this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
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MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?