My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
You Might Also Like
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Spider-cat: No One Home
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.