My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
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If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?