I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
You Might Also Like
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you