As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
You Might Also Like
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
🤣dope
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools