Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
You Might Also Like
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Should I call tech support or pray or what
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.