you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
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At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas