me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
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The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
There are usually two types of merchants.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.