Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
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banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Cucumbers Anonymous
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t