When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
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does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life