rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
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My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
79.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*