[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
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the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
repaired
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl