Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
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My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Sending in my taxes
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.