waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
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[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
become ungovernable
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.