car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
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The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first