This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
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[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
How high do the levels go?
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”