KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
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me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’