Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
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I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Mad Max Arctic Road
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.