@Jake_Vig

I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.

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“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

@LurkAtHomeMom

If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.

@josephknuckles

all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood

@mommajessiec

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.

@TheOneTrueDisco

On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

Caveman: This game is stupid.

@JasonLastname

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

@LetGoBeFreeDoU

*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.

@PrettyInCamo11

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

“Yeah….so is a grenade”

@coolgirl0nline

not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact

@sapphicgrI

me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye