I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.

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“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut


If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.


all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood


Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.


On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.

*Both show rock


*Both show rock


*Both show rock


Caveman: This game is stupid.


Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.


*Throws Pizza party
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.


“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

“Yeah….so is a grenade”


not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact


me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye