Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
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[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
🤣😂
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm