I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
You Might Also Like
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
President The Rock Obama
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Breaking news:
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too