I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
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My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?