HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
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My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together