Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
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fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*