told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
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I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
“What?”
– Jude
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.