told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
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(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Growing out my freckles.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Squirrels before girls.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”