Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
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Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday đ
I changed my mind..đđžđŞđ
Just got a âGreat news!â text from Walmart and while Iâm glad my package is out for delivery itâs not toilet paper and this isnât 2020.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, âDear Trash,â
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to meâŚ
A cold that will last all week
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Iâm not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say Iâve never given your dog a massage.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Iâm so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
âNever let âem see you sweatâ is my motto when I go to the gym
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.