Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
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All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
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People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]