Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
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“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
🌱🌱🌱
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.