Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
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Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television