Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
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guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”