When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
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A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.