What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
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She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
🤣🤣🤣
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
step 6: release the wall snake
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen