Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
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Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
I finally found a reason to live again.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence