Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
You Might Also Like
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
こいつ天才
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.