You Might Also Like
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing