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her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills