On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
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Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
RT if you could go either way.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats