Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
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It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist