i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
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My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts