Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
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“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.