*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
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One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now