ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
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once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Me buying fruit and veg
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.