Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?

friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener

me: here, give me your lighter

friend: ok

me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener

did… did they arrest the mountain lions

me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.

friend: what happened?

me: it got stuck in a tree.

doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”

Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.

Me: How was school?

5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders

Me: what did you need to be reminded about?

5:

Me:

5: You don’t need to worry about that

Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.

Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.

*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*

Him: Ouch!

I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.

I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?

“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there

[first date]

Date: how much do you drink a week?

Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.

Date: right.. Let’s do shots.

Me: i love shots.

Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions

Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.

EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS

I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?

A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.

doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job

After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.

WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.

My typo game is string.

me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go

This pepper has seen some shit

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

Back again? Forget something?

-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?