The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
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Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
#oldknees
If I ignore life will it go away?
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
“no gods no masters” = leo
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.