The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
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What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
sounds kinky. i’m in.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
I came this close!!!!
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Store policy: You break it you buy it.
Cat policy: you by it you break it.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me