Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
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car not found
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Cats are still liquid.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”