97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
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the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
inappropriate Care Bears be like: