Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
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It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
absolutely not
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea