Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
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Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!