*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
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When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
I am preparing a divorce case with graphic compromising photos and they are scattered on my living room floor as I mark each one with exhibit stickers. My mom walks in and glances at the floor and says, “Oh! Are you making a scrapbook? I want to help!”
No. No you do not.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”