No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
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Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.