Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
You Might Also Like
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle